Where Does Ambition Fit into a Soft Life?

There are two versions of me I think about often:

One lives on a small farm in Vermont or Rhode Island (just a small one, with a few chickens, goats, ducks, and a potbelly pig). She has a landline phone instead of a smart phone. She reads her library books on the porch during thunderstorms, she grows most of her own food, and her nervous system is unbothered.

The other me is on a multi-city book tour for her latest best-seller. She's giving keynotes in front of packed audiences, landing lucrative brand deals, frequently traveling internationally for work, and building Going Places into a full-on empire.

And here’s the part I can’t stop wrestling with:
I want both.
But I’m terrified that choosing one will disqualify me from the other.

I know, I'm the first woman in history to ever feel this tension (/s).

So how do we reconcile these competing desires? Are they mutually exclusive, or can ambition indeed fit into a Soft Life, or vice versa (can softness fit into a Big Life)?

The Fault in Our Vision Boards

If you grew up with “so much potential” as your label, you probably spent your teens and 20s chasing achievement like the women we saw on our screens– Andy Sachs, Rory Gilmore, et al.

We bought books and magazines that taught us how to “go big,” “get after it,” and “leave your mark!” We said yes to everything that sounded impressive, because that was the point.

And we ended up successful on paper— but often tired in our bones.

Jilted by a Millennial Career Crisis.
Depleted by what used to energize us.
Anxious over what we used to strive for.

So when softness started trending, it was alluring. It felt like an antidote to the decade we just spent sprinting.

Quiet Quitting, Lazy Girl Jobs, Bare Minimum Mondays, and protecting our peace.

But it’s also confusing— what about all that ambition stuff you sold us for so many years? We played that game by the book, but now you’re telling us it’s the wrong goal?

The Problem with Extremes

The issue with extreme lifestyle trends— whether it’s the Girl Boss or the Soft Life or any other buzzword— is that they leave almost no room for balance.

All we’re shown are archetypes, not nuance: 

You’re either building an empire or planting a garden.
You’re either a hyper-visible personal brand or completely off the grid.
Leaning In or laying down.

And because our culture thrives on marketable narratives, balance and the in-between rarely make the cut. We don’t see enough real-life examples of how to blend ambition and achieving goals that actually mean something to you with the desire to not live in fight-or-flight mode. How to balance “ambitious” and “soft.” 

So, we internalize the idea that our lives have to fit into one column or the other. We start to believe that ambition and ease can’t coexist in the same season, let alone on the same day.

Interestingly, the examples I can think of personally are folks who are embracing the Portfolio Career model:

My fave gal Roxy Couse is candid about her homebody nature, slowing down when she can, and still reaching new heights in a career she’s passionate about. She spends time unwinding in her Midwest home with her dogs or on the golf course with her husband, and still flies to Chicago to film a brand partnership (go Roxy, go!).

Writer Leslie Stephens is open about setting hard boundaries with tech and social media, so she can focus on academics, a career in mental health counseling, publishing a novel, and deepening her relationships. She lives quietly in Portland, OR and spent last summer hopping from NYC to LA on a national book tour.

Those are really two of the only examples I could think of at the time of writing this. I wish there were many more.

And what I see as Roxy and Leslie’s common denominator is intentionally opting in (and out). They both intentionally choose to give their ambitious professional energy to the projects/roles that they decide are worth it, while intentionally choosing not to devote that precious, finite energy to other things. Just because they can, doesn’t mean they do. Because (as it seems to me as an outsider) the rest of their energy is nurtured in the “slow,” private, peaceful moments in between.

Solving for Fulfillment

So, I think we need a generational redefinition for a Big Life.

I think it’s moving away from the external, performative, endlessly-optimized kind of success. And it’s moving toward something more integrated, more sustainable, sometimes quieter but no less fulfilling.

It’s choosing:

• Impact > image

• Alignment > algorithm

• Depth > constant growth

What if a Soft Life and a Big Life aren’t opposites, but two necessary ingredients in a life that feels full and fulfilling?

I haven’t landed on the answer just yet.
But I’m starting to believe that wanting both doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game.

I’d love to hear your take.
Have you felt this tension too?
What are your versions of the soft life and the big life, and where do they intersect?

Hit reply and let me know.

This week’s question comes from Ira over on LinkedIn. She writes:

Yup, yup, yup. Been there, spiraled over that.

Here’s what’s helped me and my clients during the emotional rollercoaster of job interviewing:

1. Channel the energy into something you can control.
You’ve done your part — now give Future You the best shot at other wins. Keep applying, keep networking, keep taking calls. It keeps your mind busy and protects you from putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.

2. Time-box the spiral.
I literally set a timer for 10 minutes to overanalyze, stalk the company’s Glassdoor, whatever. When the timer’s up, I close the tab.

3. Make a “waiting list.”
Not of companies, but of small, joyful things you’ve been putting off. Call a friend. Try a new recipe. Organize your closet. Edit and post that video. Deep clean your fridge. But make them offline activities so you don’t “accidentally” find yourself back in your email app.

And remember: What’s meant for you won’t miss you.
If it passes you by, it wasn’t yours — and that means something better can get to you faster.

Love the newsletter but want more? Did you know I put together an entire course called Pivot with Purpose? Think of it like a supercharged version of all the best content from this newsletter, tailored to help you nail your career goals.